Unreliable (revision 2)
Unreliable (revision 2) In the dream, the road is always clear, an early morning vista, not a hill nor bend to break the journey--in the rear view mirror, just the hint of coming chill. Rewind. A...
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Chris-- I like the bittersweet feel of the last line. Not the usual sonnet closure snap, but perfect for the matter at hand. I liked everything, I think, but the word "bleed." I felt you were choosing...
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Mike, Thanks for the reply. I'll look at "bleed". Surely, there must be alternatives. Glad the rest was okay. Thanks Chris
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It's a wonderful sonnet. Just wonderful. Take out the comma after the second line. Good show, Chris!
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L11: Is that "slitting glass" or "splitting glass"? "Splitting" seems better as part of the "cacophony"... I agree "bleed" is problematic. I'd look for something that suggests how the headlights...
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Thanks, Margaret. I'll lose that comma. Thanks, Tiel. I'm gonna try a variation for "bleed". I want "slitting" for the image of slicing or cutting (skin, for example); "splitting" could just mean the...
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Yol: I think I get it. I had trouble understanding this line: "in the rear view mirror, just the hint of coming chill. "
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Stephen, I just meant the hint that something might not be right with this. Thanks for commenting.
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Chris, I believe this poem would read a lot more smoothly without the bothersome and confusing punctuation. In the dream the road is always clear, an early morning vista, not a hill or bend to break...
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Thanks, Rich. Plenty of good suggestions there, especially re the punctuation in the first few lines. I've made some of the changes.
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Revision posted. I think the beginning reads a little better, as Rich suggested. Any comments on that?
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'of steel and country music drawing into space' - well that is really quite something. Best line in the poem. A thumping road? Not sure about this. Lights plunging into its every nerve? This is not,...
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Thanks, Paul. "thumping road"--if you were suddenly headlong into a clump of roadside eucalypts, it might "thump" a little. "lights that plunge into its every nerve"--well, the lights do plunge (in...
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I like the punctuation revisions-- they give the first quatrain a smooth, comfortable feel that contrasts well with the broken feel of the crash stanzas.
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Thanks, Tiel. Truth is, I've never felt comfortable with my use of punctuation in poetry. Help is always appreciated.
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